Ghosts that we knew
by Dark K. Sly
Summary: It's all good, though, because as soon as Stiles graduate he'll go away, and probably never come back, and his wolf will let go of the illusion that Stiles means anything more to him than an easy fuck.


**I've been toying with this for WEEKS, and today I finally finished – I hope you guys enjoy it!**

**It's a one-shot! (I'm very, very bad at them). It's over 30 pages and 13k long, but it's all here!**

**I hope you like it!**

**The name of the story and the song between each part is ****_Ghosts that we knew_****, by Mumford & Sons. Great, great song.**

* * *

_Ghosts that we knew_

_You saw my pain, washed out in the rain  
Broken glass, saw the blood run from my veins_

"Derek... Shit. Derek, I'm... I'm dying."

His voice is surprised, and it really shouldn't be. He has an arrow in the middle of his chest.

Derek is staring wide eyed at him, panicking and almost insane. Stiles is dying.

"Don't _talk_, you fucking moron!" he growls as he kneels beside Stiles on the forest ground, dirt and dead leaves and so much _blood_, blood all around them.

"I'm dying," the boy whispers this time, "I'm fucking dying."

"There's… There's nothing I can do." His voice is hollow and pained, and he's actually startled – he _can't do_ anything. The arrow was infused with wolfsbane; him biting Stiles will just make him die _in agonizing pain_ instead of just dying.

He is dying, and Derek can't save him.

"I know." Their eyes meet, and Derek closes his first, because he can't take it, "I'm scared," Stiles whispers, quieter this time, and Derek snaps his eyes open again.

"I'm sorry," he bites out, and it doesn't really sound like an apology, it's more an accusation.

How dare he? How dare he die on him like this? How dare he die on him like his family had, like Laura and all the others? _How dare he_?

"Not your fault," the boys replies, with a choked laugh – _blood in his mouth_ -, and Derek grasps one of his hands and squeezes.

"Liar. You know it's my fault."

And it is. All of this is his fault – for putting a bunch of teenagers in danger, for putting Stiles in the line of fire during the attack, not really thinking about the fact he was only human. He didn't want to play favorites, he didn't want Stiles to think he thought him weak.

And now he's dying.

Stiles doesn't answer, and Derek looks at his face again. His eyes are closed, and his mouth is slightly open – blood.

"Stiles?" he calls quietly, and doesn't get any answer, "Stiles," he calls out, and he can't breathe properly, "STILES!" he finally screams, shaking the immobile body in his arms.

His roar is deafening, and he can't seem to think of a single way to get up or find the others, and he doesn't even care what is happening in the fight.

"STILES," he screams again, and suddenly he is sitting up in bed, trying to gasp for air, his lungs aching, as if he hasn't breathed for long minutes.

He looks around the badly lit room frantically – he's home. He's alone. There's no fight, no forest, no arrow through the pale boy's chest.

He's alone.

And Stiles is alive.

He falls back in bed and breathes in deeply – when he started messing around with that boy this was not what he signed up for.

_But you saw no fault no cracks in my heart  
And you knelt beside my hope torn apart_

It started back when they had to run a pack of Alphas out of town, and Stiles was the one who was going between him and Scott to make their alliance work. Beacon Hills was a small territory to have two Alpha werewolves, but Scott wasn't really interested in ruling anything, he just wanted to make out with his girlfriend and live long enough to finish High School.

Stiles is their liaison of a sort, because Jackson is a jerk, and Derek doesn't really trust Isaac not to defect if he spends too much time with Scott, so Stiles it is.

Derek is not very sure of how or when his throwing Stiles onto walls thing stopped being threatening and started being teasing, but it does. And then one day he just kisses him, thinking Stiles will try and throw him away, or will complain, kick and scream, but he doesn't expect Stiles to groan and pull him closer, and kiss him back.

He also doesn't expect Stiles to smile when one more threat has come and gone during the boy's Junior year, he comes over through the boy's window when he knows his father isn't home.

He has no way to expect Stiles not to tell him _no_ when he throws him onto his bed and jerks him off, putting Stiles hand on his erection, and helping Stiles jerk him off too.

And it's definitely a surprise when Stiles comes over one night, and lets Derek throw him on the mattress he's sleeping on. He also lets Derek mark him, and scent him _and fuck him_, and not even once he says _no_, or _stop_, or _wait_. He doesn't complain, and he also doesn't linger. He doesn't expect cuddles or meaningful kisses – it's all about the sex.

It is for Derek, and he knows it is for Stiles, because Stiles is a teenage boy, and Derek is a willing body, and sex means nothing to them. It's just a relief, a way out, a way to burn out the stress of several life and death situations.

It's not about feelings.

It can't be.

That's why that dream is a bit of a scare to Derek – he didn't expect to feel that desperate in seeing Stiles dying, like a part of him is gone forever. It makes him twitchy and angry and annoyed, and he wants to growl and break something, but he doesn't.

His Alpha nature made him more violent, he knows, but showing signs of violence with no need is the way several Alphas met their ends, when Betas decided they had had enough, so he needs to calm down before he does something stupid, like breaking Isaac's arm, or killing Peter.

Again.

For both situations.

Things are different now than they were back when his… _tryst_ with Stiles had begun. His house is habitable again, having been fixed up where it could and put down and rebuilt where it couldn't, and Isaac and Peter live there with him permanently. Jackson comes and goes as he pleases, as his parents don't seem to much care he's not home as long as they think he's safe, and that means Lydia is there too, even if seeing Peter kind of almost kills her the first few times.

Scott, of course, is not a part of their pack, but then again, Scott's pack is, nowadays, Allison, even if Derek doesn't want to see it that way – Stiles is not Scott's: he Derek's, if only because they're fucking, and his wolf seems to think that means something when it clearly does not. He isn't even sure that Scott and Stiles recognize this – he knows for sure that Peter does, and so does Lydia, but that's it. Whatever they started a year ago it's getting stronger by the day – Stiles is in his last year of High School, and they've been doing… whatever this is for over a year.

All the others live under the impression that Stiles isn't a part of this pack, and they live accordingly, ignoring Stiles at school, and, in Jackson's case, being a jerk to him at all times, and mostly during Lacrosse practice.

It's all good, though, because as soon as Stiles graduate he'll go away, and probably never come back, and his wolf will let go of the illusion that Stiles means anything more to him than an easy fuck.

He does not.

Even if the despair he feels in the dream seems real, the rest of it isn't.

There're no strings attached.

There'll never be.

_But the ghosts that we knew will flicker from view  
And we'll live a long life_

He gets up and goes to the kitchen – it's way too early for any of the others to be awake, so he makes some coffee and decides to go out for a bit. He doesn't take his car – he runs. Aimlessly, apparently, until he realizes he's one block away from Stiles house. He entertains the thought of going away again, but something in him _aches_, and he just… _has_ to see Stiles.

For all that's worth, sometimes he gets the urge to see Scott too, just to see if he's okay – he even does it for Allison from time to time. It's instinct, and nothing else.

He gets in through the window noiselessly, it's always unlocked nowadays – he asked Stiles to leave it that way. It's not like a small human lock would keep away anything that'd harm Stiles anyway.

The boy is sprawled out on the bed despite it being winter. The holidays are fast approaching, and there are books strewn on the room floor that attest for Stiles' attempt at studying the night before for his exams.

He's on his back, half his blanket on the floor, leaving his torso exposed to the room – to Derek.

He comes to the bed and kneels on it, just one leg, the other still on the floor, and touches the pale skin showing between his pajama pants and his too big shirt. Stiles inhales sharply and opens his eyes, staring blearily at Derek.

"Dude, what…" but he cuts himself short, because Derek's hands seem to possess a life of their own, and they move into Stiles' pants and around his half hard cock, and the boy doesn't say anything anymore, but moans quietly, eyes closed, jerking his hips and panting, and Derek smirks.

He likes seeing Stiles come undone like this with just a touch from him.

When the boy comes, Derek doesn't give him any time to really recover, he opens his own jeans and sits over Stiles, pushing him up until his mouth is lined up with Derek's dick, and he pushes it past Stiles lips. Stiles sucks him in the exact way he likes it, because they _know_ each other now, and Derek bites his lips when he comes, trying not to make too much noise because Stiles' father will be home any minute.

When they are done, Stiles falls back onto bed, smiling a little even though his lips are hurt and swollen.

Derek closes his jeans back again, gets up and leaves.

He doesn't say anything, he doesn't kiss Stiles, he just… leaves.

It's just sex after all.

_So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light  
'Cause oh they gave me such a fright_

Stiles tries to get his bearings when Derek leaves.

It's always like this.

Derek does something super creepy, or hyper weird, and then they just… get it on. They jerk off, they blow each other a lot, they fuck – or, actually, Derek fucks Stiles, because hell will freeze over the day the Alpha of the Hale Pack bends over for anyone, and then Derek just closes off and leaves, or closes off and tells _him_ to leave.

He knows it's not healthy, and yet, he can't seem to stop, because he… well, he likes Derek.

A Lot.

With capital letters and everything.

He sighs and throws an arm over his eyes, trying to rationalize things, the way he always does when Derek leaves him after they… have an encounter. There's no other word for it.

The strange thing is he knows it can't be just sex. It just can't.

Derek's wolf wouldn't let him, not for this long. There is some sort of emotional attachment here, there has to be, and yet he can't seem to find it within Derek to let this go.

Jesus, even _Scott_ knows Derek and Stiles have something. He knows his best friend isn't even a part of _his_ pack anymore because he's fucking the town's other Alpha. And yet, Derek can't seem to pull his head out of his ass for long enough to realize it, and Stiles doesn't know how to start that conversation, so he just… lets things run their course.

They'll have to talk about this at some point, though, because the end of High School is near, and they'll have to work something out – he doesn't want to be left without his pack, and he wants to know how things are going to work next year.

But seeing as he can't seem to even talk to Derek properly after having _his dick in his mouth_, he has no real hope of it being a great conversation.

Things have changed a lot from the first time they met – even if Scott isn't happy about losing Stiles to the other Pack, he's happy _for_ Stiles, because he actually thinks he and Derek have a somewhat healthy relationship. Jackson and Isaac think he leaves after he and Derek fuck because his dad would freak out. Lydia and Peter know there's something shady about them, but even they don't seem to realize the extension of the weirdness of their… thing. And sure, Jackson is still an asshole, but it's mostly in good humor, and Isaac is a pretty okay guy.

It worries Stiles sometimes that Derek doesn't really _see_ things. Derek seems to be emotionally stunted in ways Stiles has never thought possible, but he's been kidding himself for a few months now that everything will be okay.

The problem is that college is near and things won't solve themselves.

He needs to talk to Derek.

He decides he'll do it tonight, because there's a pack meeting, and he'll be there. He won't let Derek get away with just fucking him quiet this time.

They'll talk, and they'll solve this mess.

They will.

_But I will hold as long as you like  
Just promise me we'll be alright_

The problem with Stiles' plans is that they hardly ever work like he wants them to.

His excuse to come to the first Pack meeting was that he was a liaison between Derek and Scott, and that's why he had to be there. Nowadays, he's there because he's pack and everyone knows so, even if Derek doesn't say anything _officially._

School is as weird as always, and he actually tells Lydia he'll try to talk to Derek after the meeting that night. She looks amused and pats him on the back, telling him it was about time for one of them to man up. Jackson hears of it and snorts in laughter, but doesn't comment on it, and Allison tries to comfort him saying that relationships are always difficult.

Well, considering she has tried to kill his… whatever-Derek-is-to-him at least four times in the past, yes, things are complicated, but he'll manage.

He hopes.

He gets to the Hale house with time to spare, and what he finds there is not what he was expecting. Peter is already looking as if he's contemplating killing Derek, and the younger man is pacing the room like a caged animal.

Ok, maybe not his best day to try and talk, but Stiles is still willing.

"What are you doing here?" Derek _actually_ growls at him by the end of the sentence, and Stiles startles, because it's been a long time since they have had this kind of interaction for real.

"Pack meeting" he says easily and slowly, as if he is questioning Derek's sanity – which he is, constantly, but then again, he's constantly questioning his too, so.

Derek stops pacing then, and stares at him intently, his eyes glowing Alpha red the whole time.

"Yes. _Pack_ meeting. For _my pack_."

"…Okay?" he replies, because where the fuck is Derek going with this shit?

"What are you _still_ doing here?" Derek repeats, and Stiles looks at Peter who is shaking his head, and then drops them on his hands, as if giving up on his nephew's stupidity.

If Stiles knew what's good for him he'd do the same, but he doesn't, because he never knows when to give something up.

"Pack-meeting" he says again, enunciating the words carefully, and Derek comes closer, almost threateningly, but Stiles refuses to take a step back.

"You're not pack" Derek says, and _that's_ when Stiles stumbles back, as if physically hurt.

What?

"What?!" comes the exclamation from the door, and Stiles knows it's Jackson, but he doesn't turn away to look at him, because, what? "What do you mean Stiles is not pack? He's more pack than Isaac is, at least he does something useful" he finishes, and Stiles can hear the smirk in his voice.

His eyes are on the ground, though, and he can't seem to make himself look up and stare at Derek.

He's not pack?

Did he read this whole shit wrong?

"Hey!" comes the complaint from Isaac, "If anything, Stiles is more pack than me because he's fucking Derek, and that's it."

Jackson and Isaac laugh, but Derek, Stiles, Peter and Lydia are quiet.

They have already realized something is very wrong here.

"You told them?" Derek asks, eyes red and voice distorted, and Jackson and Isaac snort, but it's Peter who answers.

"You think we didn't know? You two have been reeking of each other all the time for over a year. We just thought you were being quiet about it because he's still in school" he goes quiet and then shakes his head again, "But that's not it, is it? Are you seriously in denial about your _mate_, Derek?" he finishes as if he can't quiet _grasp_ this level of idiocy, and Stiles is right there with him.

Okay, maybe he didn't know about the mate thing, but even _he_ knows they are more serious than just fuck-buddies.

Apparently, Derek didn't.

Possibly, Derek doesn't even want them to.

"I'll…" he tries, but his throat closes up and he shakes his head, taking a deep breath before trying again, "I'll just leave."

He turns around, but Derek's hand on his arm stops him.

He looks at him, hopeful, but Derek's expression is still closed off, he's looking at the door, and the other werewolves are still too.

Stiles looks at Lydia and she shrugs.

"I want you all quiet and well behaved. We have a guest from a friendly Pack, and he requested to talk to us" Peter says, and Stiles can't help it, he has to say it.

"He asked for the _pack_, right? So I should _really_ leave."

He tries to get his arm out of Derek's grasp, but the man is having none of it, actually dragging Stiles to the table and putting him on a chair.

"We'll talk later" Derek growls as the doorbell rings, and Stiles snorts.

"Now, _that_ will be a feat" he replies bitterly, and Lydia, who's sitting beside him, squeezes his hand in sympathy.

It's not the first time they see some other werewolf come to their territory, but there's something setting Derek off this time, and as Peter opens the door and Derek stares at the man on the other side, Stiles can see why.

He's an Alpha.

He's also as far from Derek as one can be – longish red hair and clear blue eyes, freckled pale skin that Stiles would call adorable on a human being, or even another wolf who wasn't an Alpha. He's taller than Derek, but less muscled, and he's wearing glasses.

Glasses on a werewolf.

Why?

Stiles is really intrigued by it, and keeps on thinking reasons of _why_ an Alpha werewolf would wear glasses. He's so distracted he must have missed introductions, because when he listens again, Peter is pointing to him.

"And our humans, Lydia and Stiles" Lydia smiles at the man, who grins back, easy and calm, and Stiles just nods a bit, distracted again for a different reason.

Derek is growling, very low and very constantly at the other Alpha's back. When he catches Stiles' gaze, they stare into each other's eyes and he refuses to let go, look down and submit.

He, apparently, isn't even pack. He's not submitting.

They keep looking, neither willing to look down or look away, until the new Alpha's voice interrupts them.

"I apologize" he says to Derek, who tears his eyes away from Stiles to stare at the newcomer, "I had no idea he was your mate" he finishes with a smile and Stiles lets out a strangled laugh.

He looks up again with a mocking smile, and sees Derek is staring at him again, all angry and dark. Stiles just shakes his head.

"You know what? I shouldn't even be here. It's a pleasure to meet you… Hum, I didn't really catch your name, sorry, but I'm leaving" he says, getting up, and no amount of growling and staring from Derek will make him sit down again.

"It's Jacob" the man replies, inclining his head, and Stiles can't help it, he laughs.

"Your name is Jacob?"

Instead of growling or getting angry, something Derek would do, no question, the man grins.

"I know. Poor choice of names, even though I'm older, and therefore, not at fault for the taste of that woman in names."

Stiles smiles in return and starts walking to the door.

"Nice to meet you again."

"Stiles" Derek calls when he's at the door, and there's _something_ in the voice that gives him pause, but he is _done_ reading between the lines with Derek.

He wants things spelled out now.

"Don't" he says, gripping the doorknob, "Just don't. And don't come to my house, or I swear to god I'll scream bloody murder and my dad is home tonight."

He doesn't stop to see if the threat actually makes Derek reconsider, he just leaves.

He can't deal with this.

He just can't.

_So lead me back  
Turn south from that place_

There's silence in the room once the door is shut – with much more force than needed, but Stiles was doing a dramatic exit, so it's understandable.

_Every single person_ in the room is looking at Derek, and he tries to hold his ground – it's too much information. That morning he was under the impression that no one even knew he and Stiles had something, and suddenly they are _angry_ because he's not acknowledging the boy as pack.

And he's not even _going to try_ to think about the mate thing, because he has an Alpha to focus on – friendly, yes, but he trusts other wolves as far as he can throw them, and that's it.

"I'm really sorry about my timing" Jacob starts, and he seems a bit amused, "If this wasn't a necessary visit I wouldn't be disturbing you."

Derek takes a deep breath and stares at his pack – who look on the verge of revolting, but still obey. They take their places at the table, and Derek sits at the head of it, Isaac standing up behind him.

That place should have been Peter's, but he really doesn't trust the man at his back.

In a last gesture of defiance, the place to his right is left open – no one sits there.

It's Stiles place, and they won't let him forget it.

Jacob takes his place last, at the other end of the table and sighs, but smiles afterwards.

His smile is open and caring, relaxed and calming. He looks like someone's favorite older brother.

How did this guy become an Alpha?

"As I said before, I'm Jacob Grishman. My grandfather has passed away a few weeks ago, and he chose me to be the next Alpha" his voice carries grief, and Derek has to swallow hard. If the man passed along his Alpha position, that means they are a family pack. One made up of born werewolves, who live as a family and fight together – not bitten teenagers, but a family. He hates Jacob a bit for it; he can't help it, "Two days after I was accepted as the Alpha, one of our bitten Betas decided he wanted to dispute my title. He didn't win the fight, went rogue, and ran away. As far as we could track him, he is in this territory, and I'm hunting him down, to bring him to justice. He killed one of ours when he ran away, and the family demands justice. As you are the pack responsible for this territory I thought you might want to help – and if not, I want to ask for permission to hunt him myself."

Derek is silent, thinking about it for a few moments – there's a rogue in his territory, so, of course he'll have to hunt him down, and kill him. But if the Alpha wants justice, he'll probably want to kill him himself, or bring him to his territory to deal with him.

The thing is does he want this man to stay? He doesn't like him.

He's too… _friendly_.

Peter is staring at him, and he knows what he wants to say: it's a family pack, what means they are powerful – which means they'd be good allies.

He has to do what's best for his pack, right?

"We'll help you hunt him down as long as you follow our rules, and our treaties. Beacon Hills is in a… delicate position. We can't have problems here."

The man nods, serious and solemn, and Derek stares at him some more before continuing, "This is not the only Pack in this town. The other pack is made up of three…" Lydia cleans her throat and stares at him angrily, and Derek sighs exasperatedly, "_two_ teenagers. One of them, the human, is the daughter of an Argent."

Jacob looks surprised by this, but he doesn't question Derek further – he's volunteering information so that he _won't_ ask, and the fact that Jacob understands that makes him dislike him a bit less.

Only a little bit.

"I should probably try to arrange a meeting with the other Alpha" Jacob comments, and Jackson snorts. The man looks at him and the wolf looks down, still smiling.

"Don't worry about it. I'll ask Stiles to tell him everything later" Peter offers, and Jacob stares at him and Derek a bit, before nodding again, after all, this is not his territory, he doesn't know how things get done here.

Jacob gets up then, smiling at them all.

"I thank you for your time and help. I'll spend the night trying to track him, if that's okay?" when Derek nods, he smiles again, and Peter stares at Derek and glares at the door. Derek actually gets up then and gestures for the door, for once pretending to have some of the education his mother gave him.

When they are away from the pack, Jacob actually turns to him, the door already open behind him, and looks down, in a clear gesture of trying to look unthreatening.

"I'm sorry for interfering before, the human left when I arrived, and I really didn't mean to interrupt you and him."

Derek stares at him, trying to stay calm. The man isn't actually doing anything _wrong_.

"It's not a problem" he shakes his head, "And he is _not_ my mate" he adds, remembering what the other Alpha had said before, making Jacob frown a bit, but it's gone in a second.

"I am really sorry, then, for saying so. I was a bit thrown. He is a part of your pack, though?"

Derek doesn't answer, just looks pointedly at the door, and Jacob looks even more confused, but smiles a bit, gets out of the house, turning again already on the porch.

"I thank you again for your time. Could I come by tomorrow morning so we can talk strategies?"

"Eight" he says, and Jacob nods, leaving, finally.

Derek doesn't like him, not even a little bit.

"Be here tomorrow morning, eight sharp" he tells the rest of his pack and goes upstairs. He listens to the teens leaving, Isaac going with Lydia and Jackson somewhere – after all, it _is_ Friday night, and they are teenagers.

He listens to Peter coming after him and sighs, expecting another dressing down.

"I'm going to Stiles' house, let him know about this, and ask him to tell Scott to be here" he says and leaves, and Derek is surprised to be left alone.

He doesn't want to think about the disappointed tone in Peter's voice.

So he ignores it, and tries to sleep.

_And close my eyes from my recent disgrace  
'Cause you know my call_

When Stiles gets home his dad is already there. He smiles and waves at him, but doesn't say a word.

He's not sure he can manage it.

He closes the door behind him in his room and sits on the floor, putting his head against the door, staring at nothing.

He's not pack.

He _knows_ he is, though, everyone accepts him there, and he knows he's filled a void left behind by Erica and Boyd when they ran away; and yet, Derek won't admit it, won't say it, won't _realize_ Stiles is a part of it.

He doesn't want to, that's what comes down to, and that's what makes him feel so completely… _miserable_.

Derek doesn't _want_ him in his pack. He doesn't _want_ Stiles to mean anything, even though he clearly does mean something. That's what breaks his heart into tiny little pieces and makes it hard to breathe. He knows he is something to Derek, and Derek _doesn't want him to be_.

It's actually worse than being nothing at all, than being a part of Scott's pack, even though he's a third wheel and not a pack member with those two.

It's worse than everything, because Derek doesn't want _him_ to mean anything.

Fuck him? Sure, he'll do it, but it means nothing, even though it kills Stiles inside to always be alone when he wakes up in the morning, even though he wants to be able to kiss Derek just for kissing. To be close to him just because he wants the proximity. He wants to be able to hold Derek in his arms when their dicks aren't involved in the equation.

He can't.

He _will never_ be able to do that, because Derek doesn't feel the same way.

That's it.

The end.

Eventually, his dad knocks on his door and calls him down to dinner, and Stiles goes. He's not hungry, but he has to eat, and his dad would worry to hell and back if he doesn't want dinner.

So he eats and makes small talk, and makes an excuse to go to bed early because he's tired from studying to his exams. His dad actually believes him, because Stiles grades are good enough that it's a valid reason.

He knows there's someone in his room when he opens the door, but the pair of blue eyes glowing actually calms him down a bit.

It's a crazy, crazy day when he knows _Peter Hale_ is in his room and that doesn't freak him out.

"The Alpha wants our help hunting down a rogue. Shouldn't be much trouble, but we're supposed to meet him tomorrow morning, eight o'clock, at the house. Can you let Scott know?" he says with no preamble, and Stiles sits heavily in his desk chair, nodding.

"Sure. Scott'll be there."

Peter stares at him a bit and seems to come to a decision, even if not a pleasant one by the way he looks pained before speaking.

"Not just Scott, Scott's _pack_ and you."

"I don't know if Allison will be able to make it, but I'll let Scott know. And I don't see why I should be there, seeing as I'm obviously not Scott's pack and my Alpha has just told me I'm not pack either" he swears to god his voice is not trembling, but Peter seems to catch on to that and sighs, sitting on Stiles' bed, facing him.

"Derek is an idiot, Stiles. He's emotionally dumb."

"I know that. Hell, I know that, but it doesn't really cut it anymore, not when things are like this" he replies, shaking his head, and Peter leans forwards, his elbows on his knees.

"Well, it takes two to tango, you let things get to this point too."

"Oh, no no no!" Stiles says, looking offended and pissed off, "You don't get to defend your dear nephew right now. I'm eighteen. I was seventeen when this shit started, and Derek is supposed to be the Alpha. I tried talking to him, and he won't let me. I'm not exactly the best person to manage my feelings, and I know that, and I couldn't reach him, because every time it looked like we'd talk about it he ran away" he stares at Peter and sighs, and his breathing is a bit shaken, "I didn't want to lose him, so I let him do what he had to do. I didn't even ask for a reason, not even once, and I don't know why you were talking about mates, but that's not what I wanted to be either. And tonight he told me I'm not pack. It's more than him not wanting to be with me forever or whatever crap he seems to think I'll demand from him – he told me I'm not pack."

"He didn't mean it" Peter argues, and Stiles snorts, looking down.

"It sure felt like he did" his voice is quiet and lost, and a little bit broken, because he's been waiting.

He's been waiting for Derek to come to him and for them to work out their issues. For him to come to terms to the fact that neither he nor Stiles are Kate Argent, they won't rip each other's hearts out and burn their families down. For Derek to realize Stiles actually _trusts him_, and that Derek trusts Stiles too, even if he doesn't seem to notice he does.

He tried making Derek see those things, and he failed time and again, and he's tired. Because he's not a wolf, and he's afraid of demanding anything.

What does he have to give, anyway?

He'll demand that Derek face what they are or leave, and Derek will tell him to leave.

And he wants, desperately, to stay. Even if things were wrong before.

But telling him he's not _pack_?

That went deeper than Stiles was expecting, because for a very long time now, pack is all he has.

Sure, his dad is amazing, and awesome, and loves him more than it's safe for him, but he's always working. Plus, Stiles is always lying to him, they don't really get each other anymore. Scott was happy with Allison, they were pretty much all the other needed these days, when Derek is taking care of the whole town, and only ever calling Scott when he _really_ needs it – hell, _Stiles_ has been in more fights than Scott these past few months, because _their pack_ is the one that defends Beacon Hills, not Scott's.

So now Derek telling him he's not _Pack_? That's telling him he has no family anymore, no place.

Nothing.

He's all alone, just like he always thought he'd end up.

"Stiles…" Peter starts, but Stiles just raises his head and stares at him, and his eyes are full of tears.

"He told me I'm not pack, Peter" he doesn't say anything else, and the man apparently doesn't need him to, because he looks displeased and pissed off, but not at Stiles.

"Be there."

Stiles stares at him and takes a deep breath.

"I will."

Before he can say anything else, Peter is gone and Stiles gets into bed without even bothering to change his clothes. He calls Scott in the dark, tells him about the Alpha and the meeting, hangs up, and closes his eyes.

He tries to sleep.

All alone.

_We'll share my all  
Now children come and they will hear me roar_

The next morning, they are headed to the Hale house bright and early – or not so much bright, because, hello, winter, but the early part they have covered.

Allison is nodding off in the front seat, and Scott is bemoaning Alphas and their lack of sense, while Stiles drives his jeep.

He hasn't told Scott about the whole thing last night, and Allison isn't awake enough to realize there's something wrong with Stiles quietness. They will, though.

He really doesn't want to have that conversation.

They get there and Stiles gets out of the car, but refuses to go up to the house and knock. He sits on the hood of his jeep, looking at Isaac with a bright smile when the boy comes out of the house with a mug of steaming coffee in his hands.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you, you are my favorite wolf, now and forever, please, I want to marry you and have your babies!" Stiles babbles and takes a sip of his coffee, closing his eyes in appreciation, and missing the way Isaac has frozen.

He does hear the chuckle coming from near them, though.

"Not a morning person, huh?"

When he looks back, he sees the Alpha from the night before coming towards them – he's walking, and Stiles wonders if he came here on foot, or if he spent the night in the woods.

He's not wearing his glasses, though.

"Not all of us can be morning wolves, Twilight boy" he answers, and that gets another chuckle out of the Alpha, who is now right in front of them.

"Good morning" he says pleasantly to Isaac, who only nods. He looks into the car curiously, and Stiles shakes his head.

"Those two are the other pack in Beacon Hills. A pack of two. A couple of wolves – or actually, a wolf and his girlfriend" he babbles, knocking on the door with a lot of strength, "Hey, there, Scott, the Alpha is here to meet you, wake up."

They hear a muffled _Jesus Christ it's too early for this shit_ before a rumpled looking Scott is getting out of the car, and pulling Allison with him.

When he _sees_ the Alpha, though, he gets alert, and pulls Allison behind him, getting a snort from Stiles for his troubles.

"Really? Bit late for that, you know. How come you're not pulling _me_ behind you? I'm your best friend!" he exclaims indignantly, and Scott looks at him, unimpressed.

"Yes. The best friend you left for another pack."

Truth be told, it'd have been funny if all that shit hadn't gone down the night before. As it _had_, Stiles just looks down and smiles bitterly.

When he looks up again, the Alpha is watching him carefully.

"Stiles, right?" he asks, offering him his hand, and Stiles smiles at him.

"Yeah" he answers, shaking said hand, even if he knows that, technically, he shouldn't. This is an Alpha from another pack.

But he's a) human and b) packless, because hell will freeze over before he gives Derek the satisfaction of saying he's a part of his pack again.

"Stiles!" comes a commanding voice, and Jacob looks up, not letting go of his hand immediately – he does so slowly, watching as Derek approaches, and Stiles breathes in deeply, trying to calm down.

"What?" he shots back, and he can tell Derek is on the verge of growling land.

Derek doesn't answer, though. He grabs Stiles from the hood of the car and puts the boy behind him.

Just like Scott had done for Allison.

What the ever loving fuck?!

He glares at Derek's back as he nods good morning to the other Alpha and Scott, and Jacob is staring at Derek with a completely bewildered look on his face.

There's something else going on there that he's missing because he's human – and the impression is confirmed when Scott looks at Jacob, then at Derek (who are looking at each other) and then at Stiles, who just looks confused, and frowns.

A frowning Scott is a not-understanding Scott. It's a Scott who can't quite grasp the meaning of something.

And what is Scott not getting has to do with Stiles.

"The others are coming" Derek says, and Jacob nods, smiling, and turning away from him, looking at Stiles again.

Well, there's no doubt now that the guy is an Alpha, and is afraid of basically nothing, because dismissing Derek like that is a form of death wish.

"I would like to apologize for yesterday, when I assumed you were Derek's mate" he says calmly, and Stiles shrugs, making a point of walking around Derek and sitting on the hood of his car again – closer to Jacob than Derek.

"No harm done" he answers, looking down.

"I still shouldn't have done it. It really wasn't any of my business."

Stiles looks at the man then, _really_ looks at him, and nods, shrugging at the same time. He doesn't even consider the way Derek is growling _again_. Peter comes out of the house just as Jackson is parking his car, Lydia getting out of it with him, and Stiles decides to say something, because he's still missing information, and he doesn't want to deal with none of the night before right now.

"Well, let's get down to business, shall we?" Stiles says, because he doesn't appreciate this exposition of his personal life, this let's talk about how Derek fucks him but doesn't want him in his pack thing, "We're here because you lost a rogue, and he ended up in Hale territory, and now we need to track him down and kill him" he summarizes the whole thing briefly, smiling all the time, and jumps off the hood of his car, "You crazy kids talk about it, and I'm leaving" he's smiling again, already moving to his car.

"What?!" Scott says, confused, "Stiles…"

But Stiles doesn't let him finish, he just looks at Scott and then at Allison, and Allison gets the message, putting a hand on Scott's arm.

"I'm sure Jackson will give you a ride back. I don't have anything to do here, anyway. It's not like I'm pack or anything" he finishes, looking at Derek as he says it, and it's very, very clear, by the look on Lydia's and Allison's faces that you don't have to be a werewolf to see the tears in his eyes.

Fuck this shit, he's tired, and he's going home.

_So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light  
'Cause oh they gave me such a fright_

There's something very, very wrong with the Hale pack, and even if it's none of his business he can't help but wonder.

The human boy, Stiles, reeks of the Alpha. He also smells like loneliness and sadness and a whole lot of things kids that age shouldn't smell like – he knows, he has friends that age, and he _was_ that age not too long ago. And yet, here's the boy, who is obviously important and capable enough to have belonged to _two_ packs, saying he's not pack.

Only he… is. He smells like the Hale pack.

Like the Alpha.

They arrange a tracking system, and Jacob is relieved, because it'll be easy catching the rogue with the help of these two strange packs, who are obviously just one, seeing as Scott defers to Derek in everything, and yet they insist they are not the same pack.

Probably emotional history and a whole plethora of things he has no way of knowing or understanding – and, really, he has no right to any of it – but Stiles… calls to him.

He was raised to be an Alpha ever since birth. He grew up knowing one day the sole responsibility of keeping his family strong and together would be on his shoulders, and he acted accordingly. They weren't a closed off pack, they had bitten wolves and stray Omegas who became his Betas or only stayed long enough to see that the Pack life wasn't for them, but he knew how to deal with this, he knew how to recognize the signs of depression and sadness, and just… someone who needed help.

And Stiles so, so clearly did.

Of course he shouldn't mess with this, though, because he's not in his territory, he's not home, and he's not the Alpha of this pack – even if what he's seen form Derek so far isn't exactly stellar, he can tell he's trying his very best. He knows the history of his family, he also knows Derek isn't like him, Derek was never supposed to be in this Alpha business, he was raised to be a pack fighter, a strong beta, second in command, probably, but not the leader, and it shows in the way he seems to command his pack like an army, not a family.

It shows.

It's not his business though.

He should stay away.

But he just _can't_.

Mostly because, well, Stiles is kind of adorable.

So they discuss plans and a way to sweep the forest in pairs that night, a werewolf only event, and Derek commands Lydia to stay at Stiles' that night. The girl nods, and that throws Jacob again – why is Derek doing this?

This denying Stiles when he so obviously cares about the teen?

What is _wrong_ with this man?!

He leaves with the promise of being back before sundown, and goes to his car, which he parked a little ways away from the house, not wanting to be followed or heard the night before. He swears to everything that he didn't realize he was doing it – he didn't even notice he had memorized Stiles' scent and was following it to the teen's house.

He looks at the house, he can hear the boy in what he assumes is the teen's room, his breathing shaken and unsteady – he's crying.

Jacob shakes his head and turns on the next corner, driving away from the town until he has to come back by nightfall.

He can't deal with such stupidity in a single day.

_But I will hold as long as you like  
Just promise me we'll be alright_

Scott texts him in the middle of the day to tell him Lydia is spending the night at his house.

Because Derek wants them safe.

Stiles stares at the text and shakes his head, growling in frustration, because he _can't deal_ with this. He can't, he doesn't even know how to begin to do it. It's as if from last night to now everything has shifted, and the letters he received that morning on the mail didn't help any either.

At least Lydia is sane enough that he will be able to talk to her, maybe. Possibly.

He hopes so, because he's at his wits end and doesn't know what to do anymore.

Allison is going with them, to hunt in the woods for the rogues, and Stiles and Lydia just have to keep out of the wolves' and hunter's way. That's all they have to do, because there's no research for this one, nothing they can do to help.

They have to sit and wait and ponder what the hell they are doing with their lives.

Or maybe that's just Stiles – he's sure Lydia has her future with Jackson planned ahead of her.

He spends the rest of his afternoon trying to bring his house to some resemblance of order – the last time Lydia had come over and found the place in a mess he didn't hear the end of it for _weeks_. Plus, menial labor could help distracting him. He finishes washing the dishes, and tidying up the living room and his room, and then takes a shower. Lydia arrives soon after that, being dropped off by Jackson, who holds her and asks her to take care.

Yeah, because she and Stiles will sure be in great danger at his house.

Jackson soon leaves, and Stiles smiles tentatively at Lydia.

"So… we could watch some movies, but I'm vetoing The Notebook, because I can't handle romance right now. I want to watch something with a lot of deaths in it. Can we, please?" he rambles as he leads her to the living-room, and Lydia sits on the couch, watching Stiles carefully.

"You're not okay" she says, with a small tilt of her head, and Stiles laughs bitterly, settling on the couch next to her, staring at the ceiling.

"Derek came here yesterday morning. He jerked me off, he made me suck him off, and then he left. And less than twelve hours later, he told me I'm not pack. Before you guys came in" he says, because she looks as if she's going to say he got it wrong, and this time – _this time_ – he didn't get it wrong, "He told me with all the letters spelled out that I'm not his pack." He swallows hard and keeps staring at the ceiling, "I don't know if I can take this anymore, Lydia" he whispers finally, and there's silence after that.

When he's brave enough to look at the girl, she's staring at him with an expression he's seen on her face exactly once before – the day she had made it clear to him she liked him quite a lot _as a friend_, and she'd never, ever, even consider him as anything else.

It's the expression she had on when she broke his heart, and now he knows she's using it because his heart is broken again.

She takes one of his hands into hers and sighs.

"I… I don't know how to help you, Stiles. I don't know how things between the two of you work, none of us do. I thought there was something wrong about it, something that didn't quite fit, and you know Peter has caught up on it too, but the others honest to god only ever thought you two weren't open about being together because of your age, of how things would change in the pack, that maybe Derek was afraid the others would think he'd play favorites with you. Even _I_ never…" she trails off, and Stiles looks to the ceiling again, because he knows what she's going to say.

She's never thought Derek didn't care about him _at all_.

"He threw me against a wall one day, and instead of threatening to rip my throat out, he kissed me. A week after that we were jerking off together in my bed. Three days after that we were at his place, and he threw me in bed and fucked me. We never talked about it. He's never stayed with me. He never said he wants me around. He doesn't even say a word _while_ we are having sex. He never kissed me after we did anything. I thought…" he makes a pause and is kind of surprised at the tears running down his cheeks, but he ignores them, "I thought I meant something, Lydia, but I don't. I so obviously don't."

She doesn't say anything, just squeezes his hand again and puts her head on his shoulder, a comforting weight by his side.

The TV stays off all night, and they fall asleep side by side on the couch.

_But hold me still bury my heart on the cold  
And hold me still bury my heart next to yours_

Stiles opens his eyes to find himself being stared at by the whole pack.

How the _hell_ did they get into his house and he didn't even hear a thing?

He closes his eyes with a groan, and Lydia mumbles something, hiding her face into the crook of his neck – they're a mess of tangled limbs on the couch. Jackson is shaking his head, looking amused, and Stiles looks at him and the blond smiles at him a bit. Jackson _knows_ they are friends, and that even if Stiles was still hung up on her nothing would happen.

He trusts Stiles, strangely enough.

Derek, however, is looking at Lydia as if she's the threat they were looking for last night.

"You know, this is all kinds of inappropriate behavior. You are breaking into the Sheriff's house, you know?" he says before he can stop himself, but Scott grins at him.

"Yeah, and you always let us in, so it's cool. Plus, your dad has left for work, like, three hours ago."

Stiles glares at him and tries to move Lydia to the other side of the couch, but the girl wakes up in the process and hisses at him.

"Stop _moving_, Stilinski" she says before even opening her eyes.

"We have guests" he says, and she cracks one eye open, staring at the wolves in his living-room.

"_Why_ are you all such _creeps_" she mumbles and gets up, going to the bathroom.

Stiles rubs his eyes again and sprawls on the couch, closing his eyes again.

"So… did you come here for a purpose, or…"

"Your dad caught the rogue" Scott blurts out, and Stiles is immediately alert.

"What?!"

"Your dad caught the rogue. He tried to blend in last night, go into the town for food apparently, but he got into some trouble, and your dad took him in" Jackson explains, sitting down, and Scott follows suit, just like Isaac and Allison.

Finally, it's just the two Alphas and Peter staring at him, standing.

He hadn't even noticed Jacob there.

"Is…" before he can even ask anything Derek sits down beside him and puts a hand on his shoulder. He tries not to recoil from it but it's almost impossible, and he is sure every single werewolf in the room sees the flinch.

"He's fine. The werewolf didn't attack or anything, even went with no complaints. He knows if a wolf is ever arrested the best way to keep alive is not to cause trouble. We just have to wait for an opening to take him out of jail, but our job is pretty much done for us. Your dad did it" Jacob tells him with a grin, and Stiles can breathe easily once again, the hand on his shoulder rubbing it in circles.

It's almost comforting, but when Stiles looks at Derek, he's not looking at Stiles – he's staring at Jacob.

Derek is showing the other Alpha that Stiles is _his_. He won't say he's pack, hell, he won't even stay and chat after sex, but another Alpha comes to town and he's all territorial.

Before he can open his mouth to complain, Lydia comes back into the room and she stops, eyes narrowed at Derek, hands on her hips.

"You know what, you don't get to do this anymore!" she tells their Alpha heatedly, "I don't care if you're the Alpha, but Stiles doesn't need this kind of crap right now. You're ruining his life, you tell him he's not pack, and then you get all comfy in his couch? No! You don't get to do this, Derek, I don't care if you're going to kick me out of the pack too, but you don't get to toy with my friend like this!" she then grabs Stiles arm and pulls him up to her side. She glares at all of them, and pulls Stiles upstairs with her, to his room.

She closes the door behind her with a bang, and paces the entire length of the room – she's _really_ pissed off.

"Thanks" he says eventually, and Lydia shakes her head, staring at him with eyes filled with sadness.

"I felt that if it was up to you, you'd just let him" she says with a voice that is full of concern, and maybe doubting his sanity at the same time.

"I…" he swallows hard, and looks down, sitting at the edge of his bed, "I love him" he whispers, and Lydia sits down beside him, and doesn't question.

She knows that _I love him_ means he can't stop. That he's saying he'll stop, and he doesn't want this anymore, but that, if push came to shove, he'd cave – he'd do whatever Derek wanted him to do.

He doesn't cry, but he feels empty.

Derek obviously doesn't love him.

He just needs to… have some space.

Then maybe – _maybe_ – he'll be able to move on.

He hopes.

_So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light  
'Cause oh they gave me such a fright_

The thing about a pack is that is very, very hard to keep secrets from each other.

Mostly because of the super hearing, sniffing out feelings thing.

A prime example of this is when the two humans of the pack go upstairs, and all the werewolves downstairs keep listening to what they're saying.

And then they listen to Lydia soft criticism.

And they listen to Stiles' confession.

And then Scott gets up from where he's sitting beside Allison, goes to Derek and actually _punches_ him, before leaving the house, pulling Allison with him.

No one says anything, but Peter is definitely smirking.

Derek is looking down, and Isaac hovers a bit before leaving too.

Jackson stares a bit more, and then goes upstairs, knocking on the door, and letting Lydia know he's leaving and asks her to call him when she gets home.

Derek still doesn't move and Peter stares at him a bit more, before shaking his head and leaving.

Finally, the Alpha of Beacon Hills looks at Jacob and tilts his head to the side.

"Aren't you going to leave?" he rasps out, voice gruff.

"I don't think you have any more right to be here than I do" Jacob answers coldly.

Derek's eyes flash red, but he gets up and leaves.

Jacob sighs and looks up – there's silence in Stiles' bedroom.

He leaves too, pulling the door closed behind him.

_But I will hold on with all of my might  
Just promise me we'll be alright_

Stiles is decided not to breakdown. He won't. He refuses to.

Of course, he had spent the last two years building some sort of relationship in his head, but okay, he could deal with it all being some sort of illusion from his part – Derek hadn't, after all, ever said anything to him about it.

He acted like he cared, though.

Sometimes.

When they were in danger, when he tried to protect Stiles, pushing him out of harm's way. When he took care when they were together, always controlling his change, never wolfing out when they were together. That one time he spent a whole week following the Sheriff around because there was a wave of violent crimes, and Stiles had been so worried when his dad started working the night shift, trying to get the culprit.

The way he looked at Stiles sometimes, when they were alone, as if… as if he was something special. Something _worth it_.

He never said anything though, and now that he _was_ saying it was nothing good.

The boy sighs and pulls two big white envelopes from his closet, taking them to the kitchen with him.

Acceptance letters.

He had applied to a bunch of colleges, but there were few he was really considering – mostly, he wanted to go Stanford, because Palo Alto was near enough that he could come home every weekend I he wanted to.

His dad was near like this.

His pack.

His Alpha.

But now he was rethinking everything.

The first envelope was for Stanford, and the great Pre-Law program he wanted to do.

The second was for Brandeis.

Brandeis, in Boston, in the whole other side of the country. Where he could live so far away from everything and everyone that he might even forget them. He wouldn't be able to visit often, he'd _have_ to stay away.

It didn't have the focus he wanted, but then again, he was adaptable. He could change his planned Major to a number of things, and all of them could be done far enough that the temptation to just let Derek do whatever he wanted to do to him wouldn't even be a possibility.

He would miss his pack, though.

He would miss it all so much.

He would have to decide soon – start with the scholarships programs and student loans, go and look at dorms and other things. He'd have to decide, and this would pretty much decide everything else.

Would he leave it all behind and start again, on a clean slate, or would he still be here, trying, and trying, and trying, without ever getting anything out of it, never being able to actually _do_ what he wanted to do because Derek would always _be_ there. Even if Stiles lived in Palo Alto, even if he came home less frequently, it was so near.

He would never _forget_ Derek if he was near him.

He would always want to try.

Did he want to?

He sighs and drops his head on the table. He can't decide all of it right now.

Looking at the clock, he sees it's almost midday, and decides to make himself something to eat, possibly leaving something for his dad to heat up later. He's almost done when there's a knock on his door, and, surprisingly, it's Jacob.

Stiles opens the door, and smiles uncertain at the man.

"Hey" he greets.

"Hello, Stiles. Can I come in to talk to you for a moment?" Jacob asks very politely, and Stiles steps aside, letting him in.

The Alpha wouldn't eat him or anything, right?

When he closes the door, he rubs his neck awkwardly.

"Do you want something to eat? I've just made lunch" he says, going to the kitchen, and the man smiles at him, easy and open.

"No, thanks. But go on and eat, though. I just came here to tell you not to worry about your dad. The rogue won't attack him or the other officers, he knows he's caught – I called my pack's lawyer this morning, and he's arranging to have him transferred to Boston, where he's been accused of crimes first. As the charges there are way more serious, I don't think there'll be any problems" he finishes, and Stiles stares at him, shrugging.

"Okay. Thanks for… you know, letting me know. I always get nervous when my dad gets caught up in the middle of these things."

"It's understandable" Jacob says, smiling again, and looking over the table, where he sees the envelopes, and the logos on top of them, "Acceptance letters?" he asks, looking them over.

"Yeah" Stiles says, sitting down and staring at the envelopes as if they're going to attack him.

"They're very different schools" Jacob comments, picking the Brandeis envelope up while sitting, and smiling, "I went to Brandeis" he finishes, and Stiles stares at him, surprised.

"Really?"

"Yes. Almost everyone form our pack either went there or somewhere near it. Two went to Harvard. Our land is near Boston, it was easy to commute, or to come back home during the full moon" he explains, putting the letter back and picking up the one for Stanford, "Stanford is near here, though. Easier, right?"

Stiles is quiet for a moment, shaking his head, but as always, he can't quite manage not to say what's going on his mind.

"I'm not very sure near is better right now" he mutters.

"It's always better to be near your pack" Jacob answers, and Stiles smiles bitterly at him.

"Not my pack, though" he replies, shrugging, and his eyes are burning again.

What is he, three years old?

"It's hard…" Jacob begins, as if he's not sure what he _wants_ to say, "Even for humans, it's hard being without a pack when you have one. If you go away, you'll miss them, it may even be so much you won't even be able to stay."

Stiles looks at him with a bit of fear in his eyes.

This is it? He can't leave because of a pack whose Alpha doesn't want him to be Pack anymore?

"It can get easier though" Jacob says carefully, staring at Stiles.

"How?"

"You can join another pack" the Alpha says, "My pack."

Stiles is silent after that, because he was so not expecting this – Jacob was _offering him_ a place in his pack.

"Are you…" he was going to ask if the man is sure, but he doesn't want to risk it.

Maybe this is his chance.

"I am sure. I have to be honest with you, Stiles" he says with a sigh, and Stiles is now unsure of where this is going.

He doesn't like that sentence, not even a little bit.

"About what?"

"When I met you at Alpha Hale's house, I was attracted to you. That's why I apologized to Derek, and that's why I thought you were his mate, his life-partner, because he got so upset when he sensed it. Your friend Scott sensed it too yesterday morning. You are… interesting. And caring, and loving, from what your friends talk about you – and they talked _much_ about you last night. So much so Derek told them to shut up about seven times. They all love you, and if I'm not out of line in saying so, I think Derek does too. He cares about you, at least" he finishes, staring at Stiles carefully, trying to gouge his reactions.

"I…" he tries saying something, but he can't.

What _would_ he say? I wish Derek did, but he doesn't? I sometimes think he loves me too, but then he _tells_ me he doesn't?

Jacob smiles at him again and gets up.

"I must be going, I didn't mean to upset you" he says as an apology, and Stiles just shakes his head, saying it's okay, "My offer is made, though. If you _do_ decide to go to Boston, you have a place with my pack" he looks at Stiles straight in the eye and smiles, even if tone is serious, "You won't be alone" he finishes, leaving without waiting for Stiles to open it for him.

The boy stares at the acceptance letters that now seem to be at least a thousand times bigger and a billion times heavier.

Maybe it _is_ his chance.

_But the ghosts that we knew made us black and old blue  
And we'll live a long life_

When there's a knock on his door, Derek actually growls in annoyance because he _knows_ it's Jacob. The Alpha who looks like a kind and caring Kindergarten teacher.

Who keeps staring at Stiles all the time.

Who actually _smells_ like Stiles when he gets into the house because Peter opens the door for him.

"I came here to talk to you" he says firmly, no smiles, no peaceful air about him – he's all business.

"I thought our business was finished last night. Don't you just have to wait for your lawyer to do something?" he asks, but Jacob just shakes his head.

"I came here to tell you I've just offered Stiles a place in my pack" he states and stares at Derek without moving.

He doesn't flinch, he doesn't look down, he doesn't back away.

He's serious.

Derek can't even answer, but Peter snorts behind him.

"Are you seriously telling me you just offered an Alpha's _mate_ a place in another pack?" the older man asks, and Jacob shakes his head.

"You know as well as I do that even if we call them a _mate_, that's nothing more than a romantic relationship between a human and a wolf. And as far as I can tell, and I'm not stupid, I can tell a lot, there's nothing going on here. Just because Stiles smells like Derek doesn't mean he belongs to him. He's not a piece of furniture to belong to anyone, anyway."

Derek can't move.

He's losing this so much faster than he thought he would.

_"Derek... Shit. Derek, I'm... I'm dying."_

The memory of the dream comes back to him, and he has to close his eyes to avoid it.

He doesn't want to think about it.

Maybe… maybe he should let Stiles go, after all.

Wasn't that what he was planning on doing anyway?

"He's hurt" Jacob continues, "He's sad, he's miserable, and from what I can see, he doesn't deserve that. No one does. And we all know he loves you, because _we heard it_, but you sure as hell don't care about him, to let him think he's not pack, not tell him how you fell, to toy with a _kid_, as if he's your plaything" Jacob continues, but that's when Derek sees _red_.

He's not toying with Stiles, he was _blinded_. He couldn't see it because he's so very, very afraid of losing everything once again, and he can try to fix this, or maybe he can let Stiles go away, but he had _never_ thought to toy with a kid.

He's not Kate Argent.

"You know nothing about us" he says, a growl in his tone, his eyes shining red again as he stares at the other Alpha.

"Maybe I don't, but I do know about heartbreak, and that boy is so broken I'm not even sure I can put him back together. You can be sure, though, that if he comes to me I'll try."

Derek moves so fast he himself doesn't even know how he does it, but he's out the door before Jacob can say anything else.

He listens to Peter saying something, and Jacob answering, but he doesn't linger to know what that's about.

He's _not_ losing Stiles.

He's only just realizing that he _can't_.

He's not going to say he loves him, or that they are right together, that they're fate waiting to happen, that nothing will ever go wrong, but he _means_ something to Stiles, he _does_, and now he _knows_ that, and maybe, just maybe, he won't have to be afraid that Stiles thinks Derek means nothing more than someone to have sex with.

Because that's all this whole stint was – he was so scared by that dream, so terrified of the very idea of caring about Stiles that he almost lost him.

Maybe he had already done it.

But he owes it to himself to at the very least try.

He can't let Stiles make this decision without knowing that he means something to Derek, even if he doesn't know quite right what that is – he doesn't know what this thing is, this desperate need to make sure he's safe, this taking care of the Sheriff when he has a night shift, of taking care of Scott just because he knows Stiles wants his friends safe. He did so many things for that boy, and all of them ended up being so good _for Derek_ that they went unnoticed, but if he's as well as he is now, and ever since his whole family died he's never been better, it's because of Stiles, and how he could sew all of their pack together.

He would lose _everything_ without Stiles.

Lydia would be the first to go, and Jackson would follow. Maybe even Peter would leave him. Isaac no doubt would become part of Scott's pack, and it was all because of that boy – and the most amazing thing is, he doesn't even care about any of that.

He cares about _Stiles leaving_.

Going away without him, moving on without him.

Yes, he said Stiles wasn't pack, because he never thought it _meant_ anything to the teen.

Stiles's never had a problem of demanding the things he wanted, and he's never demanded anything from Derek – no more than he was giving. And he recognizes it's twisted and ridiculous but for Derek that meant he didn't _want_ anything else.

He thought Stiles wanted to be a pack with Scott, leave for college and never come back to Beacon Hills.

He's just so… wrong. So wrong about everything, but most of all, he's so wrong about thinking that he could let Stiles go.

He can't.

He doesn't want to.

When he gets to Stiles' house he's breathless from the run, but he doesn't care. He climbs through the teen's window and listens – Stiles is in the kitchen, the scratching noise of pen on paper in rhythm with his breathing.

Derek goes downstairs silently, and for a minute he just watches.

Stiles stops every few seconds in what he's writing and puts his head in his hands. He picks the pen up again and continues, as if he doesn't _want_ to do it, but has to anyway. His eyes are bright and he looks miserable – sad doesn't even begin to cover it. He also looks pissed off, by the way his mouth keeps turning down, and how he is biting the inside if his cheeks.

His breathing is controlled because he's making it so, he doesn't _want_ to be feeling whatever it is he's feeling. He also doesn't want to write whatever it is he's writing, his hand gripping the pen so tight it might break the utensil, but he keeps going, because this is who Stiles _is_.

He keeps going, he just keeps on going until he can't anymore, and even then he'll try.

Derek just hopes he can go a little bit more for him.

"You can't be a part of Jacob's pack" he says, startling the teen who jumps out of his chair, his breathing going crazy, while he sets a hand over his heart.

"Jesus freaking Christ, Derek, would you mind not killing me?" he asks, getting up, but Derek hounds him against the table, trapping him there, putting a hand on each side of his body, supporting them on the table.

"You can't be a part of his pack, because you are a part of mine" he continues and he knows he's doing this wrong.

He knows it.

This is not what Stiles needs to hear, this is not what he intended to _say_ but he doesn't know how to make this better, to make this right.

"You want me to stay?" he asks, but his voice is not hopeful – it's angry.

So very, very angry.

Derek doesn't answer, he makes a noise, maybe a growl, maybe a whine, he doesn't even know, but Stiles shakes his head, pissed off and brave, as he always gets when the time for a fight comes.

"No. No, you don't get to do this, just like Lydia said before. You don't get to decide you want me here when you told me I wasn't yours! You can't do this!"

"You're pack" Derek repeats, trying to make him see, to make him understand that, even if Stiles doesn't want him anymore he can stay.

He _has_ to stay.

"It's not enough" Stiles says, staring at Derek in the eyes, and pushing him away, moving to the other side of the kitchen, eyeing Derek angrily, "It's not enough, because _you hurt me_. All the time. _Seeing you_ hurts me, Derek! I freaking love you, I'd do anything for you, and that's not healthy, because if I stay, it'll never change! I'll always let you do whatever you want to do to me, and I'll never have a say, because I fucking love you so much! I'm… I can't" he finishes, and Derek makes a frustrated sound, wishing he could _say_ things and make Stiles understand, and he can't.

He doesn't really know how.

"My plan was to go to Stanford, but if I do that, I'll always be here. I'll always want to be around you. And I don't know what we _mean_, Derek. I get that you're bad with words and feelings, but I can read you, and yet you keep on denying me. This isn't enough. Telling me I'm pack isn't enough, because next time you get scared about how you feel you might shut me out again, and I can't keep doing this! You have to either let me in or let me go, because I can't live like this anymore!"

Derek takes a deep breath while Stiles does the same, and stares at the letters on the table.

Brandeis. Boston.

Where Jacob's pack lives.

He _has_ to do this. He has to, even if it kills him, because even worse than Stiles leaving would be knowing he left because Derek _didn't try_.

He raises his eyes to Stiles' and holds the stare, not letting the teen look away.

"I don't know if I love you" he starts and Stiles takes in a shuddering breath, as if hearing the words is hurting him physically, "I thought I loved Kate, and look where that got me" he continues bitterly, smiling at himself and looking down for a moment. He hears Stiles coming closer and looks at him again, eye to eye, "But I know I can't live without you anymore" his voice is soft and afraid, for the first time in what feels like a lifetime he's letting his walls down, and he's so afraid, but this is _Stiles_, there's nothing to be afraid _of_.

Stiles loves him.

It's all he needs to know.

"Please, don't go" he completes, so very softly and when he looks up Stiles is right in front of him. He reaches out slowly, giving Stiles time to back away, but he doesn't.

He never does.

He pulls Stiles near and their lips touch, not really a kiss, but Stiles trembles in his arms, and Derek's heart is trying to beat its way out of his chest.

"Promise me you'll try, Derek" Stiles whispers against his lips, looking into his eyes.

"I will. More than anything" he answers, and Stiles closes his eyes again, kissing him first, invading his mouth and pushing against a wall, and Derek lets him – he has to let him.

He trusts him more than he trusts anyone.

Derek pulls him close and lifts him up, going to Stiles room. The door is closed softly behind them, and he puts Stiles down, taking his shirt off.

He lays down in bed and Stiles follows, settling over him, and they take off each other's clothes trading small kisses with a carefulness and a hesitation as if they've never done this before, as if their bodies don't know each other as well as they know their own.

And Derek looks at Stiles the whole time, and he whispers against Stiles' skin, and he pulls Stiles close, trusting Stiles not to hurt him, lets Stiles fill him, mark him, have him – because this is what they are: they belong not to each other, but together.

He answers the question in Stiles eyes with a kiss, and pulls him close, putting his legs around Stiles' waist, welcoming him near and closer. He helps Stiles prepare him, and lets him do whatever he wants to him, for as long as he wants.

He surrenders, because surrendering to Stiles is just like becoming himself even more. He wants this, he _needs_ this.

He trusts Stiles with this as he knows he'll never trust anyone else.

And it's a welcome change, watching Stiles care for him and watch him as if he's the most precious thing in the world. They move together and he follows Stiles lead the whole time.

They can do this.

He hurts all over when Stiles carefully pulls out of him, and his almost golden eyes are searching for something in Derek's, but the man pulls him in for a kiss. Soft and careful.

He lets Stiles pull him close and drape himself over Derek's body.

And that's how they'll wake up hours later.

Together.

_And the ghosts that we knew will flicker from view_

The next morning Stiles puts his college response letter in the mail.

To Stanford.

They'll never be alone again.

_And we'll live a long life_

* * *

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